When I came up with this title, I initially planned to build on an earlier post called The Seduction of Ministry. My idea was to talk about how a passion in your life can become a seduction, so strong it can pull you away from God’s calling. That’s pretty much what happened to us in 2019, but I’ll save that story for another time.
Instead, I felt a strong nudge from the Holy Spirit to take this in a different direction. So here we go.
Many married couples will tell you that the passion in their marriage is gone, and they feel more like roommates just going through the motions. This is one of the most dangerous places you can be in your marriage. It leaves the door wide open for one spouse to take a wrong turn. In this “just existing” state, your guard drops. We all experience dry spells now and then, but when they last, that’s where trouble begins.
Here’s what often happens: you start noticing how happy other couples look, especially on social media, and the comparison game starts. But remember, in most cases, people only share the highlights of their lives on Facebook. Yes, some share too much drama, but overall, you’re seeing a curated version of their marriage—not the day-to-day struggles, disagreements, or hard conversations.
When your heart’s already yearning for that kind of spark, someone else might show up who starts noticing you, admiring you, complimenting you. They’re feeding into a lonely ego that hasn’t felt this kind of attention in years. Even if they know you’re married, it might feel harmless because they “understand” your situation. But what starts small can turn into something that overtakes you if you’re not careful.
I’ve heard people say, “You can’t stop passion when two people have it.” This new person can stir up all those wild feelings, even if you haven’t crossed any physical lines. But if you’ve crossed an emotional line, it’s time to check yourself before you start comparing your spouse to them. It might even feel like that excitement you had when your marriage was new, and suddenly, it’s tempting to believe you’d be happier with this new person who “gets you.” In your heart, you feel alive—but don’t be deceived. The enemy knows exactly what he’s doing here, and this passion won’t last.
If you step over the line and bring the baggage of infidelity into a new relationship, you’re almost setting yourself up for failure. Yes, there are rare cases where people make it work, but in most cases, relationships that begin with cheating end the same way.
So what do you do? You bring God back into the picture. My wife and I genuinely believe that God brought us together. If that’s true, we owe it to each other and to God to do everything possible to make our marriage thrive.
Find ways to date each other again, even if it means starting a new kind of love affair with your spouse. Spice things up, have fun together, and prioritize intimacy. Find ways to talk—not just about daily routines, but about your dreams, fears, and goals. It’s one of the most powerful ways to rekindle that connection.
For Sandy and me, talking together is one of our favorite ways to stay connected. We love attending marriage conferences, listening to marriage sermons and audios—it drives us! We can tell when it’s been too long since we’ve done that. We also make a point to take day trips once or twice a month to nearby places like Charleston or Jacksonville. Those days are pure refreshment for us. We leave around 9 a.m. and don’t come back until 9 or 10 at night. It’s amazing what a single day like that can do.
But no matter what, find what works for the two of you. Even if it’s just listening to a marriage podcast together once or twice a week, that small commitment could be a game-changer for your marriage.
I remember, after I got sober in December 2007 but before we got back into church in 2010, we felt the passion in our marriage start to fade. It took listening to those sermons together for me to realize Sandy needed to heal in her own way. So, I sat her down and asked her to tell me everything I put her through in those first five years of marriage. She needed to start her healing journey, and I needed to truly hear her.
If you feel like the passion has faded in your marriage, know that there’s still a way back. Don’t listen to the voices that say passion is supposed to fade as you “grow into a new phase.” That’s a lie the enemy uses to put your marriage in a rut. A fulfilling, passionate marriage is possible, even years down the road, if both of you are willing to work at it.
Do the work and watch your marriage blossom into something better than you ever dreamed!
Living a God-Inspired Marriage,
Chris Benton
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