Is Personal Development Affecting Your Marriage?

As you read this title, you’re probably thinking about all the ways personal development can improve your life and your marriage. You might even think you know where I’m going with this—and how personal growth is a positive force in your relationship—but let me challenge that assumption.

Yes, personal development is incredibly powerful. I’ve spent years reading books, attending conferences, and listening to audio programs, all focused on self-growth. And while I believe in personal development 100%, there’s an aspect of it that can be harmful to your marriage, if you’re not intentional about it.

Let me explain.

The Good Side of Personal Development

First, let’s acknowledge the obvious: personal development can have a hugely positive impact on your marriage. It helps you grow as a person, which in turn can strengthen your connection with your spouse. The more you develop mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, the more you can pour into your marriage.

In fact, personal development can turn an average life into one that feels like you’re on top of the mountain. I know business owners who would hire someone with a great attitude over someone with better skills but a bad attitude. That’s because negativity spreads, and in the same way, a positive mindset can uplift an entire environment—including your marriage.

But What About the Negative Side?

Now that we’ve established how much I believe in personal development, let’s dive into why I felt compelled to write this article.

I know plenty of couples who invest in personal development but neglect marriage development. They grow as individuals but miss out on growing together as a couple.

While personal development teaches you to find happiness within yourself, it also teaches you to be self-sufficient—to look out for yourself. And that’s great, but marriage development is different. It’s about learning to live under the same roof with effective communication, learning to compromise, and turning “I” into “we.”

In a nutshell: Personal development teaches you how to be happy alone. Marriage development teaches you how to be happy together.

The Problem with Growing Apart

Here’s where things get tricky. The more you focus on personal development without balancing it with marriage development, the easier it becomes to live without your spouse. You get used to looking inward, to solving problems on your own, and before you know it, you’re living parallel lives rather than a shared one.

This is why, years down the road, couples often say they’ve “grown apart.” It doesn’t happen overnight—it happens gradually as they focus on personal growth at the expense of the marriage. By the time they realize something’s missing, it feels like they’ve drifted too far apart to reconnect.

The Solution: Balance

So, how do you avoid this pitfall? I’m glad you asked!

If you’re putting an hour a day into personal development, put an hour a day into marriage development. If time is tight, split it—30 minutes for personal growth, 30 minutes for your marriage. This way, you can continue to grow as individuals, but also as a couple.

Now, keep in mind, there will be seasons where the balance shifts. Maybe your marriage is going through a rough patch, and you focus more on the relationship. Or maybe you’re advancing in your career, so personal development takes center stage for a while. That’s okay!

The key is to make sure those seasons don’t last too long. You want your marriage to grow right alongside you, so that 10 or 20 years from now, you can look back and say, “I’d do it all over again.”

Marriage Growth Takes Two

If you commit to this process, I promise your marriage will grow stronger. But, and this is a big but—it takes two. You can’t do marriage development alone. Sure, you might start the process while your spouse isn’t as interested, but for it to really work, both of you need to be on board.

I truly believe that when two people are committed to growing together—balancing personal development with marriage development—there’s no limit to what God can do in your marriage.

So, I pray you don’t take this lightly. Start today, be intentional, and watch how this balance can transform not only you, but also your marriage.

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Chris Benton

I am co-founder of Inspired Marriage. I went through 19 years of addictions until God healed me Dec 26th, 2007. The first 5 years of our marriage was hell because of my addictions. With Sandy's patience, I was able to allow God to work in me and we have been growing spiritually together ever since! Oct 5th, 2023 was 21 years of marriage and it's been an inspired one!