“If they would just change, everything would be better.”
How many times have we thought or said something like this about our spouse? It’s easy to look outward, pointing to what they should fix, rather than looking inward. I’ve been there, and let me tell you, that mindset doesn’t lead to healing—it leads to more brokenness.
In marriage, the problem is never just your spouse. God brings two imperfect people together not to solve each other’s problems but to be instruments in each other’s healing. And that healing is often painful because it shines a light on areas we’d rather not face. My wife Sandy and I are living proof of how God works through marriage to restore, rebuild, and redeem.
The Truth About Brokenness
In the first five years of our marriage, I was drowning in 19 years of addiction. I carried pain I hadn’t dealt with—deep wounds that I masked with behaviors that hurt not just me but also Sandy. During those years, I made excuses, blamed her, and even crushed her spirit with my words. I expected her to change when the real issue was me.
Let me be clear: if you’re pointing fingers, take a moment to look in the mirror. As Dr. Phil once said, “If you’ve had the same problem with multiple people, who’s the common denominator?”
It wasn’t until God healed me from addiction on December 26, 2007, that I began to see the truth. My behaviors weren’t about Sandy—they were about the pain I’d buried since I was 14. That pain led me to addiction, and the addiction became my escape. But God, in His mercy, placed Sandy in my life to reflect the kind of love that would break through my walls.
Practical Steps to Start Healing
Healing starts with you, but it doesn’t happen in isolation. Here are a few practical steps to begin the journey:
- Turn to God in Prayer
Ask Him to reveal areas in your heart that need healing. Pray for wisdom, humility, and strength to take responsibility for your actions. - Seek Counseling or Mentorship
Whether through Christian counseling or a trusted mentor, having someone to guide you through your pain can make a huge difference. - Start Journaling
Write down your thoughts, struggles, and prayers. Journaling helps you process emotions and see patterns in your behavior that need change. - Have Honest Conversations
Be willing to sit down with your spouse and ask them how your actions have affected them. Listen without defensiveness, and take their words to heart. - Lean into Community
Join a small group, a marriage class, or a support group at church. Surrounding yourself with other believers will encourage you to keep growing.
A Love That Heals
Sandy could have left. Many women would have, and I wouldn’t have blamed them. But she stayed. She didn’t nag or put me down. Instead, she leaned on God, praying every night for my healing. She trusted Him to do the work she couldn’t.
Her love was sacrificial, not enabling. She set healthy boundaries but also allowed me to experience God’s pure love through her actions. To those who say she “let me walk over her,” I say this: She allowed God to use her as a vessel of grace. It’s a love I didn’t deserve but desperately needed.
The Power of Confession
After my healing began, I realized Sandy needed healing too. In 2010, I sat her down and asked her to share everything I’d done to hurt her. It wasn’t an easy conversation. She hesitated at first, but I reassured her that I wouldn’t interrupt or judge. For over an hour, she poured out the pain she’d carried, and I listened.
That conversation wasn’t just for her; it was for both of us. It helped her release years of hurt and allowed me to take full responsibility for my actions. Healing starts when you’re willing to face the pain you’ve caused—and when you trust God to guide you through the process.
Lessons Learned
Here are some of the most important lessons from our journey:
- Stop Blaming Your Spouse
If you’re constantly finding faults in your partner, it’s time to look inward. Healing begins with owning your part in the problems. - Marriage Is a Refining Process
God uses marriage to shape us, heal us, and reveal our brokenness. This process isn’t easy, but it’s necessary for growth. - Love Is an Action, Not a Feeling
True love shows up even when it’s hard. Sandy prayed for me, supported me, and showed grace, even when I didn’t deserve it. That’s love in action. - Healing Takes Humility
It takes courage to face your flaws and let God work through them. Be willing to listen, apologize, and make changes. - God Works Through Our Pain
The pain you experience in marriage can either drive you apart or draw you closer to God and each other. Choose to let it refine you, not define you.
Reflections on Redemption
Looking back, I see how God orchestrated everything for our good. Sandy and I believe that He brought us together for a purpose far greater than ourselves. I may have tried to sabotage our marriage in those early years because I felt unworthy, but Sandy’s faith and God’s grace carried us through.
If you’re in a place of struggle, know this: God is not finished with your story. The brokenness you feel today can become the foundation for a stronger, more faith-filled tomorrow. But healing starts with you. It starts with surrendering your pain, your pride, and your past to the One who can redeem it all.
A Call to Action: Take the First Step
Are you ready to stop blaming your spouse and start the healing process? Here’s what you can do today:
- Pray for God’s guidance in your marriage.
- Sit down with your spouse and listen to their heart.
- Take responsibility for your actions and commit to working on yourself.
There is light at the end of the tunnel, but you have to take the first step. With God, even the most broken pieces can become something beautiful.
Living a God-Inspired Marriage,
Chris
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