Are You the Prodigal Brother in Your Marriage? How Pride Can Sabotage Intimacy

Have You Become the Prodigal Son’s Brother Towards Your Spouse?

You might be wondering, “What do I mean by that?” Think about the parable of the prodigal son: the older brother was full of pride. He did everything he was supposed to, but when his brother returned home broke and in need, the father welcomed him back with open arms. Furious, the older brother couldn’t understand why his father would celebrate his brother, who had done so much wrong, while he, the faithful son, received no special recognition. He was blind to the pride in his heart, yet as we read the story, we see it clearly.

How Does This Relate to Marriage?

I’m glad you asked! Marriage often brings together two people who carry different baggage. Let me use my wife and me as an example.

God brought us together for a reason, and we’ve both always known that. My wife could have judged me from the beginning, but she never did. She was raised in a Christian home, had never had a boyfriend before, and came into our marriage with a pure heart. She’d never experienced things like drinking, smoking, or partying. I, on the other hand, had done all of that and more. I had a long history of addiction, poor choices, and a broken first marriage. I was transparent about my past from the start because I wanted her to know who I was.

When my mother passed away just six months into our marriage, I fell back into my old addictions. I nearly destroyed our relationship, but my wife stood by me, leaning on God’s word, praying for my heart to change. Even when I didn’t deserve it, she loved me without judgment, showing me the pure, unconditional love of Christ. People say she let me “walk all over her” in those early years, but that’s not true. She allowed me to experience God’s love through her. She could have held onto bitterness, could have said, “Look what I had to go through,” but she chose grace. She loved me before, and she loved me after — with the same heart.

Conditional Love vs. God’s Love

In marriage, it’s easy to fall into conditional love. Some might say, “I won’t love you unless you act a certain way.” But this isn’t the love God calls us to have. Each of us reacts differently to circumstances. Judging your spouse for handling things in a different way? That’s becoming the older brother.

If you’ve ever thought, “I would never do that,” or “Well, I don’t act that way,” then you’re allowing pride to slip in. Instead, when your spouse shares something vulnerable, your role is to listen, to seek understanding, not to hold a gavel over them.

Sometimes, we confuse our preferences with facts. For example, one of us might prefer doing something a certain way and believe it’s the “right” way, but it’s simply a preference. Recognizing this difference can be a game-changer in marriage.

When my wife and I face decisions, if it’s something she has a strong preference about and I don’t, we do it her way. If it’s the opposite, we go my way. When we both care deeply, we work out a compromise. This keeps us on the same page, because “becoming one” requires work.

The Power of Submission and Humility

Ephesians 5:21 says, “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Building a marriage around this one verse can bring a lifetime of joy. When we submit to each other, not just out of love for each other but out of love for Christ, it changes everything.

I wrote an article a while back called “3 Levels of Marriage” that talks about that.

Marriage is challenging enough without judgment. When we add judgment, it creates a toxic environment that stifles intimacy. Before you judge, remember that we all come from different backgrounds, and we’re together now for a reason. Sit down with your spouse and discuss their past. Understanding their experiences might help you avoid becoming the prodigal son’s brother, because when pride rises, intimacy falls. But when we surrender our pride, intimacy can flourish.

An Example of Pride in Marriage

Consider a scenario where the husband has always been a “mama’s boy,” while the wife has worked hard all her life, often with little to show for it. The wife might feel resentment, thinking her husband has had everything handed to him. That feeling is pride creeping in, the same pride we see in the prodigal son’s brother.

Pride is subtle but powerful. If you’re holding onto it, take a moment before your next argument. Ask God, “Is my heart right?” No one said living with pure love would be easy, but it’s what God wants for our marriages. When both husband and wife are committed to this kind of love, nothing can stand in their way.

Living an Inspired Marriage,

Chris Benton

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I am co-founder of Inspired Marriage. I went through 19 years of addictions until God healed me Dec 26th, 2007. The first 5 years of our marriage was hell because of my addictions. With Sandy's patience, I was able to allow God to work in me and we have been growing spiritually together ever since! Oct 5th, 2023 was 21 years of marriage and it's been an inspired one!

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